the tecopa pupfish

a kind of minnow

liked hot springs

liked them so much it was the only place

they lived in the world

but we liked and wanted them too

i can’t really

understand why

because now

they are extinct.

I’m sleeping on it

that decision

that I don’t want to make

Why have you adapted?

we all have to

is the answer I get

I didn’t mean to say that

is what you said

I don’t want that to make sense

but it does

and feels too heavy right now

they had smoked salmon

no one ate it

here

but I sure did

And why?

Because it’s

good because

they don’t know

it’s good

it’s like a secret

like the one

we shared

a few weeks ago

after the show

after the talk

before we would

never see each other

anymore

and now

we’re back

to normal

to what you call

Normal—

Doesn’t feel normal

That coat is classic

Tan

Camel hair

it’s large and long on me

the hem is stained black

wonder

what it’ll cost

to dry

Clean that up

But I want to

It’s classic

I used it to tell you who I am

without words

but with clothes instead

on the telephone

I used a lot of words too

But then I sat in your car

you wanted to be married to me

and that’s absolutely insane

to me

but you also tell people

how they should live their lives

Khaled:

I think you need

to focus on your degree

I don’t care about the book

Couldn’t figure out why I gave it away

but I did and that’s

because of love

a love-symbol travel souvenir

a historic philosophical text

a pouting sad-guy author

Emotions make people

Fatuous

and look at what I did

because of that

It’s a nice book

French and antique

I stole it.

But yes I know

I don’t need to hear it

or think it

I’ve been spitting for days

spit spit spitting

and I can’t spit this

bitter taste out of my mouth

must be the taste of my tongue

must be something I ate

and my poor decisions

Enjoy the book.

(You were nice for a minute

And now I really think you’ve

Become awful again.)

I lied a lot and it doesn’t seem right

Please just like the book as much as I did.

The nerves in my teeth are moving

you know

back and forth

they have their own personalities

and even names

Maybe I gave them names

because I’m bored

I shouldn’t be bored.

one time i had an anxiety attack

in an rv

in an rv park

in the middle of the country

because of a bug

and if you’re a bug

(or not a human)

i’ll share my house

or living space

with you

but i still may not agree with your behaviors

i’d like to change my behaviors

the bad ones

i’d start with oversleeping

tomorrow i’ll make

an alarm

for seven in the morning

i’d prefer not to share

my bed with bugs

we can take about it though

why was i

the one who got stuck

with the eyes that don’t match

one is lower

i can’t go to the doctor

i don’t have money

but what would i do anyway?

ask for a new eye?

they’d say

“that’s how it goes,

you’ve got an ugly eye.”

Three of us went to the opening, us and your friend Stephen. We ordered a car and that used to be a way to seem like you have money here. People who have money (who like to make it known) take cars not the train. They three of us dressed up but it’s an opening in Chelsea and they say that’s just what you have to do. Or maybe it was raining. Maybe that’s why we got a car. But I don’t think so. We went to a big-deal Serrano show and I only liked it because I found a few reasons to dislike it. A perfect opportunity to complain about things. So then there was a party or dinner or something and Stephen took us there. He was invited, we weren’t. They didn’t have any chairs for us I guess. Stephen stayed. I was fine with leaving. We went home and got pizza and went to bed. I think I slept well.

I’m walking up 2nd or 1st Ave near 6th and a man, he said, “Come here,” to where he was sitting outside at a table at a place where I like to buy pizza. Man with grey hair, normal. Sitting with a younger guy. He said that I have nice glasses, I’m John Lennon. I didn’t (and still don’t) think those sunglasses really look like that. I said that to him. He blew off my response by warning me about Planet X. Planet X is a planet and it’s about to hit Earth. And nobody knows that it’s happening, besides the Pope. The Pope said something about it. No one must have listened except this guy. I let him finish got my pizza and wondered why someone would sit outside knowing that a planet is hurtling itself towards us. It takes me a lot longer to realize that I am not duty-bound to engage with crazy street people even if they seem pretty normal, and I think that is a skill people allegedly master around the age of nine.

I’m dating someone

(we are listening to U2)

(it was my choice)

and

I started thinking about parrots

you remind me

of one

and you tell me

i’m not good enough

to do your kind of cleaning

in NYC

those big three letters

well please

you take your homeopathic

drugs

and tell me

if they are good enough for you

It’s a car ride with another person

World’s Largest Selection of Beads

prison van broke down

on the side of the road

“Is this the same band?”

No, it isn’t

There’s one of those weird skies

that looks like a kid’s cartoon

The beach train takes about an hour (if you can find the right train running at the right time on the right track). I packed too much, two bags of stuff to sit on the beach for a few hours. It was a Saturday and warm, so it really wasn’t a good idea to go. I should have picked a weekday. I don’t know why I didn’t; the weather was supposed to be nice all week. But I wanted to swim and guess I didn’t care about the crowds. Someone told me that sharks don’t live that far north in the Atlantic. I think I made myself believe that. It’s not true and I knew it and I think most people know that. Nobody was really swimming and the water was cold but I was fine. I went out farther than anyone. I ate some ice cream at some point that tasted like Dairy Queen so I was a little disappointed. I expected higher-quality ice cream and who knows why? I rode the Ferris wheel. I bought a puppet from a woman and she gave me a small stuffed thing in the shape of a pile of shit. I asked her about puppet making. She didn’t know anything about it. I bought some red linen pants and some teenagers told me that I’m a hippie. They did a better job at defining my identity that I ever could. They did it so quickly.

Should

you feel

more distraught

because you’re stuck

in the cold?

in the rain?

What makes you better?

What makes you
think

that a spell

that a spell in the rain

makes you artistic

Do you feel

validated?

real?

Hopeful?

I hope so.

this was an airbnb review

that I was going to leave:

“Your place is great.

Unfortunately had to experience it

during

the travesty of democracy

that’s happening.

Glad you had a box of kleenex tissues.”

November 19

2016

Scooping cold butter out of a jar that’s the size of a shot glass with a pretty fresh piece of bread doesn’t make sense to me. And I can’t call you a scofflaw (there’s that word, burnt into my brain forever) because no one will arrest you because of the way you eat butter (but don’t you have utensils?). It seems like a lot of energy is being used to eat like this. Well, now I’m wondering if this is a reasonable solution for offsetting the calories you’re consuming but I don’t think so. I didn’t say anything but I did think about last August when you spent a whole decade, or 10 minutes, whatever, lampooning me, displaying your understanding of proper eating techniques, cutting food, holding a fork and other stuff. You insisted that I do it right because I’d be embarrassing at parties or other special things. But I still haven’t eaten at any parties or special things, and now I’m afraid to eat food in front of people.

She took our beans

well

your beans and made something with noodles

it looked alright

i saw a video

can you believe that?

about artificial intelligence

and now

I’m convinced that technology

will manifest physically

as humans

and destroy us

I had nightmares about it.

If I leave soon

could you come fast

or should I

not worry about it?

I don’t like Brooklyn. When I leave the train and I don’t feel the busyness that I expect, I feel nonplussed: both definitions work here. I guess I’m used to being punched in the face by my normal surroundings. People say that everything is cheap in Brooklyn (it’s really not cheap). I don’t want to move there but I might have to now. But I’ve been there a few times. I went to this honky-tonk bar there. Live music every night. I was having fun but not that much so I decided to go home. People dancing makes me feel depressed because I’m an uncoordinated sloth. I stopped at the bathroom first but someone was in it. When it opened, an arm popped through the crack about a foot wide and grabbed me. And can you believe that this happened? I was pulled into the damn bathroom and he tries making out with me, tries having sex with me. I think I laughed at him. I pushed him away and left. Maybe I should have given him my business card. I didn’t go to this place alone but I didn’t tell him what happened for a few weeks. He was pissed when I did. I can think of a few reasons why I won’t go back there.

A pink bowl

and a wooden box

my cellphone’s beside them

we’re looking

for smokers

she said

she leaned over

this green marble table

I don’t think it’s real marble

but why’s it matter

when you’re talking

about the Atlantis hotel?

this is all nothing

this place is nothing

does this city pass for Chicago

the place

with cubs

Chicago is Chicago

No shit.

Downtown Chicago

the place of big dreams

when you’re in

a place with

no dreams

and to me

this barroom chitchat

is exhausting